empty clothesline

Changed PAGE 30 out and kept the same theme. This break from the sonnet structure bothered me and I felt the need to retain the concept in sonnet form as the others-as the only breaks of form came from the Dandy character’s “Dandy Speaks.”

The original idea was to have this young man, completely unhinged, in a typical child’s tantrum, screaming about his inability to get through to any girls. Where would his unique voice find a suitable match. Much like Romeo and Juliet film from the Franco Zefferelli (1969) who played up their innocence and impetuous nature, I had purposely broken the sonnet structure here, but there were mixed metaphors (door, reservoir, altering of course), and a lot of clambering about, which on the one hand was precisely what I wanted to reach at an emotional exasperation, but it was all too loose, coarse, and unrefined.

Compare:

Age 15
I take me I do follow where life leads
With entrances that open in my way
If this be the direction in my need
By all means, I continue as the day.
But should a door, suddenly be present
If this is the way, I intend to press
Then I shall knock, be ever pleasant
If no reply, I shall shout words of kindness
Till such a time, beat harder to my stress
Which forces me to barrel at deaf wood
With shoulder down, I shall force with all my breast
If no hinges move, I shall turn, rub my wounds
And search another, comely, pleasant way
Deserving my devotion and full brass
Promenade where adventure’s sure to prey
Which now becomes my natural, fated pass

Thus to one so kindly,
So shall I write in measured verse or prose
Or single words on separate pages
With chalk, stick, stone, if needs be blood
Until you will read me into your veins
Within this watershed if there not be enough…
‘Tis no matter, will dam thee up,
Cut to another course demanding rapture
I’ll like my wounds, by fate, find another
Whose soul will make my reservoir

A better rendition:

Age 15
You know the story of the male penguin
Whose sheepish twaddle cause petrels to laugh?
In mating, without words or notes, sanguine
Must start with a gift, their ritual, their craft.
Whose muddy footprints will barter this trade?
This mate or that, spied from raft or waddle?
So all, to all, with all, selections made.
Who in the vast rookery to coddle?
Then, the key, to set a stone at her feet.
This bird’s and this pebble’s peradventure.
For love? How should such a proposal meet?
In return, will she consent, surrender?
Will pass my treasure round, till it pleases…
Ah, love’s promise in all the world’s beaches.

I did have the idea in the end about “one stone,” and one recipient which comes closer to a focal point, but also liked the broad idea “of all the world” and “all the stones, pebbles, in all the world’s beaches” for everyone’s promise of love. I know this turn becomes sentimental because of the broader scope.

diamonds

“This mute rock, now, all that “is” and “to be,”/ My reflection, treasure, for you to me.”

This is still a very strong sentiment. The reflection of the “mute rock” as his being. All gifts are reflections as they are appreciated and taken, but bringing in “all the world’s beaches” also carries imagery that may carry beyond the poem into the real concrete world.

I also had to think if footnotes were needed as “raft” and “waddle” may need definition from a National Geographic dictionary. The anger and frustration isn’t as present in the latter, but it could be there at the end or even read more philosophically, even humorously. Would be interesting to see what an actor might handle it.

A group of penguins is called a colony, a rookery or a Waddle, but these terms are for a group of penguins on land.

A group of penguins floating in the ocean is called a Raft.

 

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